Since my "Why I Don't Play Chess Anymore" article was so popular, I figured I'd offer my readers another amusing *cough* anecdote about another game I don't play anymore...The Game of Life.

[ The "Game" of LIFE ]

I was in college at U.W. Whitewater when I met the first great love of my life. She and I dated for around two years and in that time, I discovered that she could pretty much beat me at anything. She scored a point higher on her ACT test than I did. Her I.Q. score came back a few points higher than mine. She got a Head Resident Assistant position before I did. She could beat me in Scrabble, despite the fact that I was an English major and she majored in Accounting. Trivial Pursuit, Cribbage, Monopoly, Euchre...you name it! She was...the Anti-Kenn!

In fact, when we competed at anything, she almost always won...never by much, mind you. Generally speaking it was a point here, a question there, a lucky break here, a lucky cut of the cards, doubles on a dice roll... Meanwhile, nothing ever went my way. And I do mean NOTHING. If anything could go wrong for me, it generally would...and did.

My competitive nature and short temper at the time often got the better of me and many times we threatened to say "fuck it" and never play another game again just to avoid the hassle. Unfortunately for us, that sentiment never lasted very long. Ah, the recklessness of youth.

One weekend, I took the love of my life home to the family farm to hang out with my parents. It was a Saturday evening, if memory serves, and everyone had gone to bed. I went to the game closet and had a wonderful idea..."Hey sweetie, let's play LIFE." As fate (or the Dread Demon Lords of the 9 Rings of Hell) would have it, she agreed... That "sounded like fun."

I figured "What's the worst that could happen?" The Game of Life isn't really a game of skill or mental aptitude. It pretty much comes down to luck. I didn't like losing at Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit, but I figured if I could handle losing at anything, it would be a game that was 100% decided by luck. Erm...yeah.

[ The Field of Battle ]

We started playing and I was off and running. Early on in the game, you spin the wheel, go through college and land on different squares to decide what your career is going to be. I got really lucky and scored "Doctor," the highest paying position in the game. She ended up getting a B.S. degree, the lowest paying job on the board. This was an extremely encouraging start.

As the game wore on, I began racking up all kinds of advantages. I had a car full of children, which you can "cash in" at the end of the game, and she had none. I had stock. She never bought any. I had all the insurance, so I avoided all of the "Your House Burned Down...Pay Ridiculous Coin If not Insured" cards. I kept spinning high numbers and was running way ahead of her, so I kept getting all of the "Whoever Crosses This Spot First Gets X" type bonuses.

The rout was on!

I struck oil. I found diamonds. I discovered rare painings. I kept getting promoted at work. I played the stock market and kept winning. I landed on every good square on the board while she kept getting every shitty square on the board. I had a huge pile of money and she had to take Promisary Notes out from the bank at one point to pay a rather unfair fine. Oh, yes... This game was going to be my Opus! I was going to make the Ray Liotta Pistol Whipping scene in Goodfellas look like a slap on the wrist! Victory, at long last, would be mine! Muwahahahahaahah...

[ Ray Liotta - Sweet Dreams of Pistol - Whipping! ]

While all this is going through my head, I'm calm, cool and collected on the outside. I'm not laughing. I'm not smiling. I'm calmly playing the game so as not to be a "sore winner." I mean, this was going to be one heinous, ugly, embarrassing loss! I don't like it when people rub it in when they beat me, so I certainly wasn't going to rub it in. I wanted to play it cool. The Poker face was definitely on, despite my inner elation.

I got to the end of the game where you make the big decision. Go on to Millionaire Acres? Or take your chances with the Poor House? Given the fact that I had more money than The First National Bank at this point, I proudly drove on to Millionaire Acres. I cashed in my kids, my stock, my insurance, the whole nine yards! The money was piling up!

I got to pick a number at that point and every time she spun that number for the rest of the game, she had to pay me $10,000. And guess what? She spun it four times! This was, quite simply, the biggest beating you could possibly take in the Game of Life and I was dishing it out! Oh, sweet, sweet victory!

I counted my money (I actually had over $1,000,000...a ridiculous sum of money in the old version we had where a Doctor's Salary was $40k a year!) and waited patiently for her to finish the game. She got to the end of the line...at long last! I would defeat her at something, anything...FINALLY!

Not so fast... She did something that I'd never seen before. When you make your choice at the end of the game, if you don't think you have enough money to win, you can place your car and all of your money on the "Number Strip" as one last wager. She gathered her pathetic pittance and examined the "Number Strip" carefully. Then, she placed everything on the number nine and spun the wheel. I just sat there looking at her, confused and unsure of what was happening

The wheel stops. The number? NINE! That's right, folks...she had spun the wheel of fortune and became a "Billionaire Tycoon." She gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. I looked at her and said, "What? What just happened?" She said, "I, uh...I think I just won."

[ It's No Coincidence...I Still Hate The Number nine To This Day ]

You can imagine my reaction. "WHAT? What do you mean you just won. I have more money than you do!" She explained the whole Billionaire Tycoon thing to me and I was just floored. Shattered. Broken! And then, at long last, I was...you guessed it...pissed off!

"What a stupid rule," I said. "What is this 'automatic win' bullshit?" I asked. "Why am I being penalized for finishing the game first?" I asked. "Why does God and all that is holy completely hate me?" I asked. It was on that day, folks, long before the Chess Tournament of Doom, that I completely lost my will to live. I would never...ever...ever...ever...ever...beat this woman at anything.

She tried to be nice about it. She said she was "lucky." She said it was "no big deal." She offered to let me spin once for the draw! But I would have none of that... I just wanted to cry. To scream! To curl up in a little ball and rock back and forth! Oh, the humanity!!!!

As we were putting the game away, I couldn't keep quiet. I asked her, "Why did you pick the number nine? Have you been keeping track? Was nine coming up more than the other numbers? What was your line of thinking, there? What was your strategy? Was there some sort of statistical advantage?"

She looks at me and says...wait for it...wait for it...almost there..."The nine on the Number Strip was green. I really like green." Oh, yes... THAT was the Coup de Grâce. Suddenly it made sense. I was Ahab from Moby Dick...and I had felt the sum of all the rage and hatred from days old and present. And had my chest been a cannon, I would have shot my heart...okay, you get the idea.

[ Thar The Game of LIFE Blows!!!! ]

Not since that fateful evening back in 1994 have I ever played the Game of LIFE again. The strain was too much for me to bear. And I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me whilst competing against this woman, but I was wrong. One fateful night we went...bowling!

But alas, THAT...is another story. *shudder* Thanks for reading!