CHICK FLICKS: A MAN'S GUIDE TO WATCHING MOVIES WITH YOUR BETTER HALF

"Honey? Do you wanna watch a movie?"

Face it, guys. If you're in a relationship, there are few questions (other than, "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?") that are more loaded and riddled with danger. Before you say "yes" to your sweetie, here's a little guide to "Chick Flicks" and their more palpable alternatives.

If you don't want to lose hours of your life that you'll never get back, you need to be careful out there. Hopefully, this helps...

The Worst of the Worst "Chick Flicks"

Men, if you get stuck watching any of these films, it's probably because you either a) Forgot her birthday, b) Slept with her sister and/or her best friend c) Said "no" to shopping and sat on the couch and watched football all day Sunday d) Insulted her mother or e) Made her watch "Movies For Guys Who Like Movies" on TNT.

If you can avoid it, don't let any of THESE happen to you:

Beaches - Oh, you poor bastard. Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey in one of the all time "tear jerkers" of cinematic history. Nothing whatsoever for guys in this one.

Steel Magnolias - Yet another tear jerker with only a few funny lines and scenes with Tom Skeritt to help out the "guy side" of this film. No way.

Fried Green Tomatoes - Kathy Bates is a... Oh, hell...words fail me. AVOID!

When A Man Loves A Woman - Your girl will be drooling over Andy Garcia, but Meg Ryan is not much of a prize for you in this one. At least she doesn't have a horrible fake accent...

Pretty Woman - Probaby the most "watchable" of this bunch. Agree to watch it once, though, and you'll have to watch it ten times a year. Be warned.

Pretty In Pink - Erg...you'd think this movie would get "old" to women, eventually, but it refuses to die. Women have seen this more times than you've seen any given Star Wars movie.

Sleepless In Seattle - Should be called "The Impossible Standard." Tom Hanks's character WILL make you look bad, by comparison. Not only will she come away from this with a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude, you'll probably end up hating yourself by the time this turkey is over.

The Cutting Edge - A hockey player can't play anymore, so he has to become a figure skater (the horror!!!) and is partnered with the bitchiest woman on the planet. Shall I go on? If you want to watch a film about a struggling hockey player, see if you can get her to watch Happy Gilmore. =)

Sixteen Candles - See my comments above for Pretty In Pink. This is basically the same film. Quite honestly, I can't tell them apart...

Dirty Dancing - Odds are if you've been dating for long, you've been forced to watch this at least once already. No comment. I have nightmares about lines like "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!" *shudder*

City of Angels - Nicolas Cage...death...unbelievable sappiness and schlock. Strike ONE, TWO, THREE!

An Officer & A Gentleman - Waaaaahhh... I've got nowhere else to go! *gags* Not for the faint of heart.

Strictly Ballroom - This is no Moulin Rouge, boys. Nothing in the world is more "un-manly" than ballroom dancing. Run for your life!

Titanic - Everyone in the free world has seen it, so don't be forced into seeing it again. Fight the good fight! (Althought Kate Winslet's "art" scene gives me a moment of pause on this one. Hmmm...)

Legends of the Fall - The girl I watched this with fell asleep. That's how boring it was. I'm not sure how I survived without snoring. And I saw this before Red Bull was invented!

Message In A Bottle - Ick... Fish out of water movie (literally) with an ending that will have her in tears and YOUR stomach in a knot. Avoid!

Thelma & Louise - If you're forced to watch this, odds are you'll be put on suicide watch shortly thereafter. Worst of the worst! You must have done something truly awful... No man should be subjected to this feminist drivel..

Alternatives To The Worst of the Worst "Chick Flicks"

You have very little chance of avoiding "Chick Flicks" altogether, men, so listen up. If your better half tries to spring any of the above movies on you, try to counterattack with one of these. She'll still consider them "her movies," but you won't need to spend two hours in the bathroom with the dry heaves after the credits roll.

Go for the substitution, boys, and try...

What Women Want - Very, very funny film. Great insight into all of the quirky things that women do. And Helen Hunt is amazingly hot in this one.

The Princess Bride - This is a "guy's movie" disguised as a chick flick. She'll love the romance. You'll love everyting else.

When Harry Met Sally - Nearly made the list above, but this is actually just an all around GOOD movie. Don't be scared. WARNING: Could lead to discussion of women faking orgasms!

How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days - Excellent romantic comedy. It's like the War of the Roses without the violence. Good stuff.

50 First Dates - Adam Sandler to the rescue! Funny and charming.

Say Anything - Women love John Cusack. You could make a case for this one making the "turkey" list, but I think it's well done.

Jerry Maguire - Show me the money! She'll love the romance, you'll love the comedy. Cuba Gooding Jr.'s oscar for this one is well deserved.

Ghost - Most men would put this on the "turkey" list. I found it very watchable. And Demi Moore is really hot...

The American President - I really like this movie. You'll like it. She'll like it. Everyone wins.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding - Surprisingly "laugh out loud" funny. Give this one a shot. You'll laugh your big fat Greek ass off.

You've Got Mail - This is your prime alternative to Sleepless In Seattle. If she tries to break out SIS, do the old switcheroo. Tom Hanks is a dick in this movie, so you need not fear.

Somewhere In Time - An oldie, but a goodie. Solid romance tale with Sci-Fi and time travel thrown in. It's not just an Iron Maiden album...it's a movie, too. =)

Better Off Dead - John Cusack strikes again! This movie is very, VERY funny. You'll dig it.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - An amazing movie. Just be prepared to think. You'll need to stay awake and pay attention. Don't watch this one if you're tired

You also have ZERO chance of going wrong with most Disney, Pixar or Animated films, including The Incredibles, Monsters, Inc., Toy Story 1 & 2, Aladdin, Beauty & The Beast or Shrek 1 & 2.

WARNING: It goes without saying, fellas, that Animation does NOT mean Anime. If you find a woman who likes Anime, you have my permission to marry her.

"Guy" Movies She'll Probably Like (Or At Least Tolerate)

If you're lucky, you'll actually get to pick the movie that you guys watch together at least part of the time. DON'T screw this up! If you make her watch something she hates, you will NEVER get to pick again. When that happens, you'll be stuck with the above two lists for all eternity...and trust me, you DON'T want that to happen!

Next time she lets you break out something from your collection or sends you out to Blockbuster and says the ever-popular, "I don't care what you get, just get something good," try giving one of these babies a shot...

Action:

Indiana Jones Trilogy - If she doesn't like Raiders of the Lost Ark, get out fast!
Lethal Weapon 1 or 2 - Action and comedy...what's not to like? (Avoid 3 and 4)
Nowhere To Run - Yes, this is a Jean Claude Van Damme movie that a woman will like!
Rush Hour 1 or 2 - Cool action and great comedy...together again!
Speed - She'll enjoy drooling over a surprisingly buff Keanu Reeves for two hours...
Top Gun - I haven't met a woman yet who DIDN'T like Top Gun...

Comedy:

National Lampoon's Vacation - All hail Marty Moose!
The Wedding Singer - Adam Sandler to the recue...again!
Groundhog Day - Did you sleep well, Mr. Connors? I slept alone, Alice... =)
So I Married An Axe Murderer - Weird title, very funny movie.
School of Rock - Surprisingly funny with Jack Black and that OTHER Cusack...Joan.
Back To The Future - The old classic standby.

Documentary:

Super Size Me - Far, far better than that drivel Michael Moore keeps shoveling out...

Drama:

A Few Good Men - Yes, she CAN "handle the truth."
Witness - One of Harrison Ford's finest films...
Shawshank Redemption - One of the greatest films of all time.
Phone Booth - A riveting film.
The Green Mile - Tom Hanks and Stephen King...and a great movie, to boot.
Memento - One of the most unique and interesting films I've ever seen.
The Usual Suspects - Thought provoking with a great twist at the end.
Backdraft - Better than Ladder 49....
Apollo 13 - Great movie. Great cast. Win, win.
Mystic River - Gripping Clint Eastwood vehicle with an all star cast.

Horror:

Poltergeist - One of the all time classic horror films.
Scream - If you want to introduce her to slasher films, Scream slightly edges out Halloween.
The Sixth Sense - Classic. I can't imagine a woman not liking this film.
The Exorcist - Use discretion with this one. She may not have the stomach for "pea soup."
Identity - John Cusack does horror? Yep... A great ensemble cast and a cool twist.
Jaws - Not just a great horror film...a great FILM, period.

Musicals:

Grease - Grease is the word... =)
Moulin Rouge - Baz Luhrmann's only "watchable" film, if you ask me.

Science Fiction:

Starman - Sci-Fi and Romance...not usually the best combo, but here, it works.
E.T. - A childhood favorite
Star Wars - Speaks for itself
Close Encounters of the Third Kind - I hated it, but odds are you'll like it and so will she.

Seasonal:

Scrooged - You can't go wrong with this Bill Murray gem.
Christmas Vacation - Even funnier than the original Vacation!

Sports:

Major League - Funny story with a great romance thrown in. She'll dig it.
Bull Durham - It's Kevin Costner... She'll watch.

Westerns:

Silverado - A comedy western that's NOT Blazing Saddles.
Maverick - Hey, another comedy western! I'm sensing a theme... Mel Gibson is great in this.
Unforgiven - One of the ten best MOVIES ever made! And the best western ever.
Dances With Wolves - A western and a romance, together. Can't miss.
The Quick & The Dead - A female hero and an all star ensemble cast that includes Russell Crowe, Gene Hackman and Leonardo Di Caprio. Great, campy romp.