There are some things that are just so truly offensive, words fail to describe them. Since I'm never at a loss for words, I've decided to take it upon myself to identify the little things in life that should just plain go away. So, without further adieu, I give you...

Affronts Against God & Man

Ang Lee's "The Hulk" - Sweet Jesus...this movie is the definition of "suck." In fact, if it weren't for The Hulk, DreamCatcher would be uncontested as the worst piece of shit ever committed to film. It's long, boring, plodding, pretentious...and those are its strong points. Strike one, two, three!!!!

[ *yawn* You'd have more fun watching green paint dry! ]

Trough Urinals - Nothing quite like going to into a restroom and "saddling up," as it were, to a trough urinal. Given man's desire for privacy when urinating, it's become painfully obvious to me that these abominations were designed by a woman.

[ Howdy, pardner! 'Name's Carl! What's yours? *shudder* ]

Roger Ebert - The movie critic you love to hate from the Chicago Sun Times. What is wrong with this guy? He gives thumbs up to steaming piles like Speed 2: Cruise Control and Collateral Damage, but pans Aliens because it involves chasing a little girl. This is also the same guy who compared the special effects in Jason X, which cost $12 million to make, to the effects in Star Wars: Episode 2 and The Matrix: Reloaded which cost what? $130 million plus each? It's official...the guy's a moron.

[ Who Did Roger Blow To Get These, I Wonder? ]

The Chicken Whopper - Oh...My...God. What the hell is this thing? "A taste so good it could only be called a Whopper?" I don't think so... Stear clear, people. These are just plain gross.

[ Would You Like A Real Whopper With That? ]

[ What's Next? The McDisgusting? ]

DreamCatcher The Movie - I can't speak for the book because I haven't read it, but the movie was truly one of the most (if not THE most) wretched moviegoing experiences I've ever had. And the thing is, I got free admission! Avoid this movie at all costs. It is two plus hours of your life you'll never get back. You've been warned... I'm getting sick to my stomach just thinking about this piece of shit again.

[ If They Show Movies In Hell, This Bitch Is On The UltraScreen! ]